i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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