so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
