And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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