I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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