"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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