yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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