YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
