just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
