Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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