The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
