chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
