I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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