I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
