I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
