You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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