For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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