you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
