Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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