i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
