Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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