if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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