You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
