If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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