We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
