It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
