he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
