Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Shame - the story of my life.
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