We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
