I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
