If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I need to calm my uterus...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
