We're like a lot better than the average bears
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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