Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm really busy with my period
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