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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i already hear my dad disowning me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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