im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
