Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
