Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
