Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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