So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize