Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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