3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
