i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm both gender and math confused
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
