I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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