the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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