I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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