Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
