if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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