i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
