i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
