Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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