This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
