her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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