new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize