I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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