Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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