Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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