I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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