Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
