when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
