She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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