The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
