I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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