u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
