Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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